I think I love my supporters.
Why? You ask.
Ahh, it’s definitely not because they never question my decisions. God forbid they trust me so much! But they question everyone else’s. As it should be.
When I’m in the right, I’m the greatest visionary to walk these lands.
I could never do anything wrong either. My opponents always sponsor propaganda against me. Haters gon’ hate.
People talm bout sumn like, “You didn’t deliver on your promise”???
You dey check am?! You don see wetin I don do? The roads wey I don construct (bare-minimum contract since 1988) or the fuel subsidy wey I remove?! Fuel is at an all-time high, by the way.
Oga, don’t piss me off.
Na why I too love my supporters. Dem no dey ever blame me. If you like, bring evidence. You go collect!
Sometimes I wonder: did I campaign for them, abi na them campaign for me? The love is massive.
Last week, person talk say I fail one kain policy. Na once my supporters GAM am. Dem no even ask if e work or not.
“Oga, which party you belong?” Na so e just be.
As if say bad roads go sharp once you no vote me. Dey play!
Abi na the normal GRs (garri)? That one no dey check your party before e go up o!
But all these my supporters poor o. PMP. This guy no fit even afford fuel for him generator, but e dey Facebook dey clear my name, dey explain why people no go understand my electricity policy. God, what did I do to deserve this love?!
No be small thesis this guy type o! And e dey trek. (Laughs in loving admiration.) E just dey do me to appoint am.
But, omorr, unpaid staff don plenty. Be like say na next year e go be.
The beauty of the whole thing is that I don’t even have to convince them. They do the convincing themselves.
I release a statement; they supply the interpretation.
I make a mistake; they supply the context.
I contradict myself; they do the explaining for me.
By the time they’re done, I start to wonder: so I no even bad sef?
Psychologists call this habit of favouring information that confirms what we already believe confirmation bias. But I prefer to call it free PR. Cos why not?
Who pays consultants when thousands of people are willing to do the same job at no cost?
If you like, tell them say I don fail. They’ll remind you how bad my opposition is.
If you like, point out that the opposition is irrelevant to the question, and they’ll call you tribalistic, sponsored or bitter. Shame on you!
I could announce tomorrow that I’ve appointed a goat (Greatest of All Time?) as Minister of Finance, and they’ll ask whether the previous administration’s sheep performed any better.
THIS IS LOYALTY!
Ehen, please, don’t mistake this for something peculiar to just my party. I’ve watched my opponents’ supporters perform the same gymnastics. We all believe our own politician deserves context, patience and understanding, while the other politician deserves a firing squad of hashtags.
I mean, they do sometimes. But you get my point.
We’re suddenly constitutional lawyers when defending our side and forensic accountants when investigating theirs.
The real tragedy is that my supporters think they’re holding the opposition accountable. They genuinely believe they’re defending democracy. Meanwhile, I’m benefiting from a system that values their affection over my performance. A win is a win.
You see, I don’t need you to believe that I’m perfect. I only need you to believe that the guy over there is worse. That way, my failures are tolerable, my scandals are survivable, and every broken promise becomes another opportunity to remind yourselves why you were right to choose me.
So, my dear supporters, go and get your PVC. Vote me in again. After all, why risk a new politician who might disappoint you differently?
The roads can wait. The electricity can wait. The promises can wait too. As long as you keep confusing suffering with sacrifice and defending me with defending Nigeria, who am I to interrupt your passion?
Now, go and vote. Daddy needs another four years of unconditional love.
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